Tag Archives: Self-Love

My Truth.

When I get emotional, I don’t talk. I process. I go within and examine my pain. I ask the questions, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “What is this about?”

Three of my students have been placed in foster care. They are siblings and one has been separated and placed in another city.

After learning the details of the situation, it triggered and stirred up many memories from my abusive upbringing. I remembered my interviews with judges and CPS workers. I remembered having to go see Protective Services while they photographed my injuries and bruises. I remembered going to the judge and him granting more visitation time to my father after seeing the proof of what happened to me while I was there. I remembered being threatened by my mother if I were to call CPS on what was happening in the house with her. I remembered daydreaming about being removed from the household. I remembered feeling like I had no choice but to remain silent while the social worker questioned me at school and the therapist grilled me in the evenings once or twice weekly. I remembered my mom telling me not to discuss family business with anyone at the school. I remembered my dad telling me not to tell a soul what was happening in his house. I remembered being caught between both of them and having nowhere to go for help. I remembered being the same age as my students and having to hold all of that emotion and information within my little body and keep my mouth shut.

Thinking about how their guardian could do the things that she allegedly has done, I realized that I have had some thoughts that are extremely brutal in nature. I have had them since I was a kid. I didn’t understand at the time where they were coming from, but this situation has cleared that up for me. I remembered asking my mom to put a steak knife in my throat and spin it around when I was seven. I remembered fantasizing about being told to cut the grass with scissors. Those thoughts were unexplainable and as I got older they did not stop. I learned to push the thoughts away and choose happier ones instead. I learned to make choices and decisions that were the opposite of things my dad would have done. I have become the parent that my parents never were. However, until this crisis arose, I never realized how much mental and emotional healing work I had to do in order to accomplish that feat.

It is still difficult to discuss deep feelings of vulnerability and emotion, even with people that I know love me and I can trust, but writing has always been therapeutic.

Being a teacher is hard for me because I once lived a life that is similar to the lives of the students in my classroom. Although it makes it easier for me to connect with and understand them, it makes it harder for me to support the system that employs me. For me, the gaps are so obvious. I can see clear as day where we are coming up short and why. However, who am I? In the grand scheme of things, I am no one. The decision-makers and stakeholders have no interest in what my views or opinions are. They don’t care if I’m hurting. They don’t care about keeping our kids from hurting. They only care once things have already happened and they are no longer in control. It makes them sad, but they don’t do anything different. The system remains the same…. no matter what. In many ways, I feel that my career is my new abuser. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, and I’m better off if I just put my head down, do what I’m told, and keep my mouth shut.

If you are in my inner circle, please don’t ever take it personal if I stop talking for a little while. It’s just the way I have learned to cope. It is the only way I know to remain safe and keep my sanity.

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Love and Truth.

Confession: 

I’ve never wanted a relationship.  

I was always inspired by hermits.

I used to mail formal invites to my “break-up parties” that were held within a week of ending a relationship.

I used to have major panic attacks at weddings and bridal showers, so I stopped trying to go to them at all.  I knew people wouldn’t understand the anxiety I felt, so  I would just mail gift cards after the fact.

At weddings, when the couple recited the vows, I would see shackles and hear words of ownership being spoken. 

I had a panic attack halfway down the aisle of my own wedding and literally needed both of my parents to walk me.  They were whispering encouraging words, “Keep going.  You’re okay. “


My marriage became abusive within the first two years. 

I regretted forcing myself to do something that was clearly so unnatural for me.

I was excited to get divorced.  I didn’t have a party, but I have celebrated my freedom every day since he left. 

It’s  been four years since my divorce was final.  


I feel Whole.  Complete.  Healed.  Powerful.  Intuitive.  Devine.  Royal.  Precious.  Loveable.  Amazing. And Aligned with Spirit and Truth.


I don’t want to jeopardize any of that by adding another person to the equation who will interfere with the progress I’ve made.  


Some people can be needy.  Clingy.  Manipulative.  And unintentionally controlling.  I’m so in love with my personal growth and ascension journey, I have no interest in compromising that for the sake of a romantic relationship.  Time is an illusion and this may or may not be my last lifetime.  


Either way, I’m  enjoying my journey without a man so much that I don’t want a man if I can’t continue to grow and flourish as I have these past four years.  


I am so much better!  I want more! I am in LOVE with growing!!!  If he can’t pour into my soul, I don’t want him.  


If all he can do is focus on the physical aspects of me and things of this temporary, 3D realm, he’s not for me.  


“He” will be my King, not my student.

“He” will pour into my being, rather than deplete me.

“He” will show me with his actions that I am in great hands. 

“He” will not run from my truth.

“He” will empower me with his consistency and be patient as I allow myself to trust him.  

“He” will encourage me through his energetic vibration.


His higher self will speak to mine and say “Keep going.  You’re okay” …….


And I will believe “Him” and let myself love again. 


I won’t be “His” and “He” won’t be mine, 


We will simply just  “Be” together in love. 💖


Asé

GOING WITHIN.

I’m human.  Although I do all I can to remain aligned and present across dimensions, there are still times when I feel……. human.

There are times when my feelings get hurt.  Times when I feel betrayed, used, rejected, taken advantage of,  vulnerable, annoyed or flat out angry.  Sometimes, I feel more than one emotion at a time, but I have responsibilities that force me to keep moving due to not being in the appropriate time and place to confront or express the issue.  Living in this matrix we call society causes us to become immune to suppressing our thoughts and feelings.  As we continue to move in our busyness, and ignore what has upset us, we push toxic thoughts and energy down into our being.  Eventually, we become what we are trying to squelch.  
As we pursue our personal growth, it is important to embrace these emotions as opportunities for advancement. When we can recognize not only what we’re feeling, but why we’re feeling it, and dig deeper to expose the root cause of why we feel the way we do, then we are able to transcend beyond our emotions. We are able to ascend.
My method is to withdraw. I go within and listen. I sage myself. I sage my space. I listen to music to target my chakras and remove subconscious fears and blockages. I write. I learn about myself. And sometimes, I discover that what I was upset about, has more to do with me than the other person or circumstance.  Realizing that the offense was not an offense, as much as a misperception, allows me to recognize the thought patterns and mental programs I still need to shed and release. Likewise, when I realize that the offense was actually an offense, and my emotions are valid, it is important to recognize and act on the opportunity to express myself and defend my boundaries.  
Ironically, some people are not worth the hassle of communicating with. Sometimes it’s just better to let sleeping dogs lie and move on without confrontation. However, this kind of moving on, is not the same as moving in obligation to fulfill our physical responsibilities.  Instead,  it is releasing and moving on with an attitude of understanding and clarity.  
When you get annoyed, angry, or upset, STOP. 
Go within.  And listen. …… Before you move.

Why I’m single…..for now.

I never really thought about why I was single until one day, someone asked me, and I was stuck.  I didn’t really have a simple answer.  I didn’t even really know where to start.  I just sat there, dumbfounded.  I thought to myself, “I guess I need to think about how to articulate this in case I’m asked again.”

I continued living my life as I normally do and tried to feel where a relationship would fit and what I would want in a partner and why.  It wasn’t easy.  I’m very busy and I’m also very content.  I meditated and asked the question, “why am I single?”.

After a few days of listening for the answer, this is what I realized:

​I get a lot of 5D (spiritual) assignments that require me to use my spiritual gifts to assist people, some I know and most are strangers.  It is my priority to stay in spiritual alignment regardless of who is in my life and in what capacity they are in it.  Sometimes, 3D relationships and all the pettiness that goes into dating is just a big distraction.  I believe the person for me will gravitate towards me and enhance my vibe rather than cause interference with my energetic frequency.  Most men don’t even know what I’m talking about, so they could never really support me on this journey.  Besides that, being whole and knowing that I have all I need inside of me, changes my perspective of relationships.  I have already been married and divorced.  I have two children.  I don’t feel like I’m lacking or need to pursue anything. This physical life is temporary anyway.  “The One” is a relative illusion based on where we are at any given point in our lives. For me, there are more important things to focus on…..like fulfilling my divine purpose in life and raising the vibration of this planet.  

If I ever have a King, he will be on the same mission that I am on, or at least, he will understand that every now and then I have to put on my cape and channel someone’s ancestor or transitioned loved one.  I may see him unexpectedly through my third eye and have to call him out of nowhere to deliver a message from the Divine.  He may have a thought that I hear or feel from miles away and I am instructed to help keep him on course with his Divine purpose.   This is my life.  This is what I do, with or without him in it.  He has to be willing to go deep within himself and maintain his own connection and alignment to Source, while giving me the trust, respect, and freedom to fulfill my 5D to-do list.  Obviously, I would love to support him with his own life mission and journey to ascension.  It would give me no greater pleasure than to be the Queen to my King and give him the trust, respect, and freedom to fulfill his own destiny while he does the same for me.

If he is moving through life aligned with his higher self, and I am too, not only could we manifest some amazing stuff together, it would be the most exhilarating, soul quenching relationship ever!

If it’s supposed to happen, it will.  In the meantime, I am in the avatar of my Higher Self.  Chilling…….until further notice.

How to be Single.

​Instead of fretting over when we will be in our next relationship and how we can speed that up, I think we should embrace this time to be selfish.

Meaning:

Focus on self.  

Improve what you want to tighten up, 

Aspire to reach new goals, 

Explore new things and places, 

Grow….on purpose and with intention.
We are only single until we are in a relationship.

Make the best of it!

Once we’re in a relationship, we have to focus our attention on another person.  The balancing act of nurturing our relationship with both ourselves and someone else can be challenging.  
Enjoy having you all to yourself while you can. 🙂

“Real Men”.

As I frequently reference the 3/5 compromise included within our Constitution while teaching my students to love and value themselves, I have to admit I become a little bothered by the phrase “Real Men” being used so loosely to describe a man that does or does not do certain things.  

The value of a man should not be predicated upon his actions.
While all men do not function as Kings, they are all most definitely, “Real Men”.  
When we use this phrase, we are insinuating, albeit indirectly and unintentionally, that there is another group of men who are not to be considered, Real.  

Real men cook.

Real men clean.

Real men provide.

Real men take care of their kids.

Real men are faithful and communicate.

This list goes on and on….

My question is, if a Real Man is defined by his actions, what happens if he becomes human and misses a beat?

What if one day he forgets to do something we consider to be the mark of a “Real Man”, and we are unable to check off the item from our long list of criterion?

Does that mean he is not, a “Real Man”? 

What if he doesn’t know how to cook, but he is willing to try?

What if he’s not in his children’s lives because his baby mama be on some bull?

What if he isn’t working because he got caught up in some poor choices when he was young and lacks education or has a record from childish mistakes that have made it difficult for him to get hired?

What if his family didn’t communicate, so he never learned how?

What if he gets tired of not measuring up to our expectations and looks for affection and understanding elsewhere?

Does that mean he isn’t a “Real Man”?

Our words are much more powerful than we realize!  

They emit an intense vibrational frequency that is invisible until it has shifted the thoughts of the recipient into action and manifested as outcomes.
When we speak love, truth, and acceptance, we can promote and reinforce the behaviors we actually want from our men.
Today, I challenge my sisters to honor our men by seeing them as they are at their core.  Build them up instead of implying they are somehow inadequate, insufficient, or in any way NOT a “Real Man”.

Instead, let’s call our our brothers “Kings”….even if they are still growing into their regal role and position.

What do I want?

I want a partner that feels good and fits me nicely…….

In every way.

I want to feel adored and cherished.

I want to feel like out of all the other women that want him, he only wants me.

I want to feel beautiful, sexy, supported, understood, respected, inspired, safe, trusted, and most importantly, loved.

I want to feel sexually satisfied.

I want to feel….sprung.

I want our relationship to be unlimited.

I want it to flow, with ease.

I want to go as far as we want to go, without hesitation or restriction.

I don’t have a benchmark.

I don’t have a white picket fence fantasy.

I don’t have a due date.

I don’t even have “relationship goals”.

I just want to BE….. 

With him.

I know my worth.  I am priceless.

I don’t need to convince him or hope he notices all the greatness within me.

He sees my rarity and value before he  even initiates conversation.

He knows he needs to clean up his dirty laundry first, because I will see it all in a quick glance of a selfie if he doesn’t.

He is a King.  

He knows what I need because he has learned from the Queens that raised him. 

He enhances my growth, just by being himself.

The more freedom and space he gives me, the more I flourish and appreciate him.

The more I appreciate him, the more he treasures me.

What do I want?

Love.

Without boundary or expectation.