Tag Archives: Communication

My Truth.

When I get emotional, I don’t talk. I process. I go within and examine my pain. I ask the questions, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “What is this about?”

Three of my students have been placed in foster care. They are siblings and one has been separated and placed in another city.

After learning the details of the situation, it triggered and stirred up many memories from my abusive upbringing. I remembered my interviews with judges and CPS workers. I remembered having to go see Protective Services while they photographed my injuries and bruises. I remembered going to the judge and him granting more visitation time to my father after seeing the proof of what happened to me while I was there. I remembered being threatened by my mother if I were to call CPS on what was happening in the house with her. I remembered daydreaming about being removed from the household. I remembered feeling like I had no choice but to remain silent while the social worker questioned me at school and the therapist grilled me in the evenings once or twice weekly. I remembered my mom telling me not to discuss family business with anyone at the school. I remembered my dad telling me not to tell a soul what was happening in his house. I remembered being caught between both of them and having nowhere to go for help. I remembered being the same age as my students and having to hold all of that emotion and information within my little body and keep my mouth shut.

Thinking about how their guardian could do the things that she allegedly has done, I realized that I have had some thoughts that are extremely brutal in nature. I have had them since I was a kid. I didn’t understand at the time where they were coming from, but this situation has cleared that up for me. I remembered asking my mom to put a steak knife in my throat and spin it around when I was seven. I remembered fantasizing about being told to cut the grass with scissors. Those thoughts were unexplainable and as I got older they did not stop. I learned to push the thoughts away and choose happier ones instead. I learned to make choices and decisions that were the opposite of things my dad would have done. I have become the parent that my parents never were. However, until this crisis arose, I never realized how much mental and emotional healing work I had to do in order to accomplish that feat.

It is still difficult to discuss deep feelings of vulnerability and emotion, even with people that I know love me and I can trust, but writing has always been therapeutic.

Being a teacher is hard for me because I once lived a life that is similar to the lives of the students in my classroom. Although it makes it easier for me to connect with and understand them, it makes it harder for me to support the system that employs me. For me, the gaps are so obvious. I can see clear as day where we are coming up short and why. However, who am I? In the grand scheme of things, I am no one. The decision-makers and stakeholders have no interest in what my views or opinions are. They don’t care if I’m hurting. They don’t care about keeping our kids from hurting. They only care once things have already happened and they are no longer in control. It makes them sad, but they don’t do anything different. The system remains the same…. no matter what. In many ways, I feel that my career is my new abuser. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, and I’m better off if I just put my head down, do what I’m told, and keep my mouth shut.

If you are in my inner circle, please don’t ever take it personal if I stop talking for a little while. It’s just the way I have learned to cope. It is the only way I know to remain safe and keep my sanity.

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GOING WITHIN.

I’m human.  Although I do all I can to remain aligned and present across dimensions, there are still times when I feel……. human.

There are times when my feelings get hurt.  Times when I feel betrayed, used, rejected, taken advantage of,  vulnerable, annoyed or flat out angry.  Sometimes, I feel more than one emotion at a time, but I have responsibilities that force me to keep moving due to not being in the appropriate time and place to confront or express the issue.  Living in this matrix we call society causes us to become immune to suppressing our thoughts and feelings.  As we continue to move in our busyness, and ignore what has upset us, we push toxic thoughts and energy down into our being.  Eventually, we become what we are trying to squelch.  
As we pursue our personal growth, it is important to embrace these emotions as opportunities for advancement. When we can recognize not only what we’re feeling, but why we’re feeling it, and dig deeper to expose the root cause of why we feel the way we do, then we are able to transcend beyond our emotions. We are able to ascend.
My method is to withdraw. I go within and listen. I sage myself. I sage my space. I listen to music to target my chakras and remove subconscious fears and blockages. I write. I learn about myself. And sometimes, I discover that what I was upset about, has more to do with me than the other person or circumstance.  Realizing that the offense was not an offense, as much as a misperception, allows me to recognize the thought patterns and mental programs I still need to shed and release. Likewise, when I realize that the offense was actually an offense, and my emotions are valid, it is important to recognize and act on the opportunity to express myself and defend my boundaries.  
Ironically, some people are not worth the hassle of communicating with. Sometimes it’s just better to let sleeping dogs lie and move on without confrontation. However, this kind of moving on, is not the same as moving in obligation to fulfill our physical responsibilities.  Instead,  it is releasing and moving on with an attitude of understanding and clarity.  
When you get annoyed, angry, or upset, STOP. 
Go within.  And listen. …… Before you move.

The gray area.

Traditionally, we think of the following stages as it relates to dating:

1.  Courting

2. Dating

3. Going steady

4. Engaged

5. Married
In current times, we often consider  the stages of dating to be:

1. Kickin it

2. In a relationship

3. Engaged

4. Married

However, there is an entire gamut of categories that bridge the gap between “kickin it” and “in a relationship”. Some people are so driven by achieving a title of exclusivity with their person of interest,  that the gray area between “kickin it” and “being in a relationship”, is arduous and daunting to say the least.

 For those of you who often find yourself bewildered and perplexed by this elusive gray area, I have devised a range of categories to help you have peace and clarity when thinking of your situationship:

1.  Boothangishkinda – someone who is very new, yet has you intrigued with attraction and interest. It is way too early to determine whether or not they are everything they portray themselves to be. You have your guard up, but you are very hopeful.

2.  Boothangish –  someone who has been around for a little while that you are interested in, but not quite sure they are everything you would want in a relationship. You are still getting to know them and there may be something about them that gives you some reservation. You talk to them often, but not daily.

3.  Boothang – this person makes you smile and you really like him/her. You talk to them frequently and hang out with them regularly. However, you are not committed and that is very clear. You feel drawn to them, but there are some unspoken boundaries that you know you cannot cross.   For the most part, you think this person could be a very good partner in the future, and you hope that things keep going well. However, you are still getting to know him/ her so you are not one hundred percent convinced that you want to commit yet, or that he/she wants to commit to you.

Boo –   You love you some him/her! You want to see this person as much as you can.  Your face lights up and you feel butterflies whenever you’re near each other. You are eager for the day that you will be able to say he/she is your significant other.   You know that the next step is exclusivity and you hope everything stays intact so you can make it to that point.

Hopefully, you will be able to use this as a guide to understand the status of any gray area situationship you may be involved in now or in the future and therefore, act accordingly.

There’s nothing worse than thinking you’re exclusive and finding out that you are simply a boothangishkinda.

Let’s keep it in perspective, and call it what it is, not what we wish it could be


. Shall we?

​Passionate, Not Clingy.

I will give you, and only you, my undivided attention.

I will focus on you, deliberately.

I will try to learn and understand you.

I will be patient when we are on different frequencies.

I will continuously pursue my own spiritual alignment.

I will filter my emotions and avoid blaming you for “my stuff”.

I will sacrifice in order to compromise, if it’s for the best of our mutual interest.

I will express my appreciation for you.

I will learn lessons about myself and life through the experience of dealing with you.

I will try.

I will face my fears and challenge myself to overcome them.

I will enjoy the process of getting to know you.

I will take my time.

I will give you space when I feel you need it.

I will take space for myself when I know I need it.

I will honor you.

I will respect you.

I will listen to you.

I will open my heart to you.

I will not demand or expect anything of you.

I will forgive you.

I will allow you to treat me the way you want to treat me.

If I don’t like it, 
I will let you go.