Happy New Year!

One very cloudy night a few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with a sense of cluttered emotion. I was feeling so much energetic interference from the buildup of all the interactions with so many people in daily life, I felt like I just couldn’t get clear. I needed to connect with Source…

I went outside in search of the moon, my go-to method. I could see nothing. The sky was pitch black and full of thick clouds. I didn’t even see a hole in the clouds to get a peek of moonlight.

Feeling lost, unusually stressed, and strangely bogged down with irritation, I bowed my head in desperation. I was urgently seeking the Divine. I needed clarity, peace, and calmness to come straight from the heavens and pour down upon me.

I began to weep as I pleaded with the Creator to just give me a quick glimpse of His/Her pure love and light. The clouds were too symbolic of the negative emotions clouding my spiritual vision. Just then, I heard that familiar still voice tell me to lift my head and open my eyes. The clouds had parted and this is what I saw….

Happy New Year!

I don’t need a man-made “New Year’s Eve/Day” to start a new chapter in my life and gain a fresh start.

I can reset, recharge, and reconnect with the flow of the Universe whenever I like. The love and light of the Divine Creator pours directly through me to gently graze all beings in my path as I move onward in pursuit of my God-given purpose.

There is no need for a “New Year’s resolution, when my spiritual alignment is in sync with celestial alignment and I am bound to grow and evolve positively because I can only move in one direction- forward.

There is no need to wait for a designated day on a man-made calendar for a fresh start…

All I have to do is look up and open my eyes.

All that I need, I already have.

 

 

I Am A Queen.

I Am A Queen.

Others may cross your path, but there will never be another quite like me.

I am irreplaceable…

You may try to overlook the affect I have on you, but you are only denying yourself the privilege of experiencing total bliss by resisting.

I soothe you.

I support you.

I nurture you.

I enhance you.

I inspire you to become the greatest version of yourself….

Without even touching you.

I am your link to the spirit world; for life transcends from the spirit realm to the physical, only through my womb.

When you are physically inside me, you have no escape from being enveloped by my soul…

When you look into my eyes, you are gently forced to take an honest look at the man you are.

Are you a King?

I deserve nothing less.

You may try to avoid the intensity you feel with me by drowning yourself in work or dabbling with other women,

But my light is steady.

The more space and time we have between us, the more I grow, and the more captivated you become.

My love is effortless.

Its impact is boundless.

I silently expose your fears, regrets, and insecurities so that you may address your weaknesses head-on.

I will not allow you to be held captive or handicapped by negativity, for I treat you as the King I see within you.

Therefore, I protect you.

I eagerly submit to your leadership.

I am honest.

Sincere.

Direct.

Loyal.

And I do not manipulate you or play with your emotions….

Nor will I tolerate you playing with mine.

I am exquisite.

A sublime delicacy.

Never to be forgotten.

Impossible to ignore.

Take as long as you need to absorb and try to figure it all out.

You won’t.

It will never make sense until you recognize the magnificence of my power.

I Am A Queen.

DOT-TO-DOT

USA dot to dot 

Dot-to-dot

We’re all connected by gunshots.

Your brother, his cousin, my student, her friend,

He was important and we will all miss him.

I know you’re mad, but just wait-

You are still here, and you know what’s right.

You have your whole life ahead

I can’t let you forget.

You want to be a doctor

And you’re really good at soccer.

I know what ‘hood rules say,

But that will just get you locked away.

Then we would all be missing two

Of the most remarkable dudes.

I heard the shots too.

What did I do?

I hit the floor, just like you

At least, that’s what I assume.

No matter how much I don’t flinch

I still get scared when

They sound too close to my comfort

Or I can see the spark like a starburst.

I don’t know how it is

They could be so foolish

To blame this all on you

I mean really, what could you do?

You are but a child yourself

They are adults doing this mess.

Killing our economy,

Forcing you into poverty,

Then throwing out some red tape,

Just to make you hesitate

In trying to be your best.

So you start to second guess

Everything you once thought you could be.

You are doubting your dreams.

Now you don’t believe in you,

What else is there to do?

If I hadn’t been there before,

I’d be a stranger at your door.

I wouldn’t know what to say,

Thank God for all my heartache!

The political system is full of flaws,

But controls the most delicate system of them all.

We trust our children’s futures

To be guided expenditures.

“How much is each one worth?”

Sounds eerily familiar…

We don’t trust the water,

But we trust our leaders?

Even though we have evidence

And a few witnesses

We still can’t get them to see the truth.

They are the dots that connect me and you.

They take money from our schools,

While demanding me to do more.

Putting you in the middle

Of an economic war.

A battle between forces

One side unheard-

The other side bullying

Whenever they have a turn.

We give them an opportunity

To be forthright and upstanding

But every time, it never fails

They are standing back laughing.

Watching us scramble

Trying to get enough votes

All the while, the system has effectively-

Demolished all hope.

I am supposed to be the dot

That leads you to a way out,

But when I look at the big picture,

We are just pawns in this venture.

Freedom is an illusion

Disguised in confusion

Causing all of us to work for their goals.

Our households are scarred

From them going too far

Hitting below the belt

Dividing family units

Putting dads behind bars

Or worse, killing our sons.

Dot- to-dot

We are all connected by gunshots.

beaded flag

 

Option #5

5 stars

For some reason, we have been conditioned to believe that we are supposed to look for our #1:  our “other half”, “media naranja”, one-and-only.  Meanwhile, those of us that are spiritual are taught to “keep God first”.  As a child, we learn that our “parents are most important”.  As we become older, we learn that “school and/or work are the most important priorities.  If we have children, they trump all.  When we mature into adulthood, we learn the urgency of diligent self-care.  After all, “if we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t take care of anyone else”.  Sometimes, it seems like we are not quite aware that all of these significant entities are competing for the same position in our lives.  Everyone and everything is often equally important.

How is it then, that we work so hard on a quest to find our “one true love”, when we are responsible for loving and attending to so many?  Doesn’t it seem like common sense to simply remove the pressure?  By calling it what it is, we can quickly come to terms with the fact that we will never be anyone’s number one.  They will never be our number one either.  Each moment in life bends and flexes in order for us to tend to the most important people, circumstances, or obligations as they arise.  For example, if we have an important project at work with a tight deadline to boot, we are likely to make arrangements to secure the other details of our life while we complete our professional responsibility.  If we are already in the midst of that project when we learn that our parents or children are in a life threatening emergency, we take our laptop to the hospital and do what we have to do.

priority

So many women try so hard to be #1, when it is nearly impossible to reach that status.  She does everything in her power to get a man to lock on to her and claim her as his own.  She wants to be the first person he thinks about in the morning and the last thought on his mind as he drifts off to sleep.  However, the reality is, he has much more going on in his world besides her.  If he doesn’t, there may be some other unhealthy issues to emerge, but that is a different blog topic.  This contradiction between what has been taught to be achieved and what is realistically attainable, can make for a conflicting vision of what love really looks like.

Most often, when we are looking for a partner, lover, or spouse, we look for someone with similar beliefs to our own.  Incidentally, we tend to date people who have a similar set of priorities.  Therefore , if we were to call someone we are dating and their voicemail had menu options for what’s most important to them, it may sound something like this:

Thank you for calling ___________________(insert name).  We appreciate your loyalty and dedication to his/her emotional wellbeing.  Please select from the following menu options to help us better direct you to the appropriate level of concern:

           Option  #1 is reserved for God.

           If you are his/her inner self and you need self-care, press #2

           If you are his/her child or other family member, please press #3

           If an employer, please press #4

           For boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses, please press #5. 

           For all others, please wait until you are notified of your significance and position before assuming your authority and influence is greater than it actually is.  You will be contacted once the determination of your relevance is established.   

voicemail

 

If this was what a man’s mailbox sounded like when she called, I wonder if she would continue to try so hard to be #1.  The truth is, people are only #1, while they are #1.  As soon as something more important comes up, that something more important takes first place until it is resolved.

In contrast, if she understands the reality that is the human tendency, she is not offended by being fifth on the list.  Instead, she respects the fact that he has numbers 1-4 in place so securely.  She also realizes it is unnecessary to bust her tail, just to be in fifth place.  She can drop the added pressure and just be herself while she works on her own numbers 1-4; appreciating when her number is called and it is, without a doubt, her turn to be first.

 

priorities not important

Superwoman.

Superwoman Image 1

She’s smart, she’s got her stuff together, and she is overflowing with positive energy.  Not only does she handle her business; she balances her professional, family, and personal responsibilities with grace as she moves swiftly through the day resolving one crisis after another.  She recognizes the importance of self-care, as well as good character and humility toward her Creator.  She meditates, exercises, takes care of financial matters and nurtures and provides for the people that she loves.  When she has a man, he feels like he is the center of her universe, when in fact, her universe is very large and he is simply a star.  Albeit an important, shining star, he is a star nonetheless. She doesn’t prioritize by ordering her responsibilities.  Instead, she makes everyone and everything a high priority, including herself.  Although she may have sleepless nights from burning the midnight oil, she still finds tiny moments throughout the day to tend to her personal wellbeing, spiritual growth, and alignment.Superwoman 4

Everyone wants a Superwoman because most people need one at some point.  Whether she’s a mother, daughter, wife, girlfriend, or friend, she is the one person who makes the dark clouds dissipate and hope feel restored.  She is pulled on in several directions simultaneously, yet she treats each individual demand with such undivided attention and concern that it seems like she only has one problem to solve per day.

Most men say they want a Superwoman, until they get one.  Once they have her, they are standing in front of a mirror.  All of their fears, insecurities, and shortcomings are revealed to them.  They may try to hide them behind walls of pride, control, or distance, but she can see right through them, and they know it.  It’s uncomfortable for them to be face to face with the issues they were trying to ignore and not ready to deal with.  She knows better than to waste her energy trying to save them from themselves.  She has already been where they are.  She fought that fight for herself long ago.

She knows there is no point in resisting the lessons that life has for us to learn.  If we need to learn how to love and be in a genuine, mature, adult relationship, it will happen.  It doesn’t matter if we fight the urge to love, the desire to commit, or the need to feel loved in return.  We can keep putting it off and avoiding opportunities to experience a committed relationship, but eventually we will either succumb to the growth that the universe offers us, or we will be prevented from attaining the next level on the figurative growth chart of life.

Growing up, a Superwoman knows she is different.  While the other girls at school drool and giggle over their crushes, she sees relationships as pointless obligations.  She knows she is constantly growing and evolving, and will continue to do so.  She understands that people grow and evolve at their own individual paces and she cannot predict that the person she is attracted to at this moment, will be the person that best fits her at the core of who she is, in the future.  Relationships are risky business to her.  They should fit like shoes, just big enough to grow into.  But then, we tend to grow out of shoes.  She grows fast.  Thus, her shoes need to be bigger, so to speak.  While other girls cry and get into a funk after a breakup, she bounces right back as if the relationship never existed.  She is shocked by her own resilience and strength at times as she walks away with ease from unhealthy relationships maintaining peace and harmony in her circle.

She has learned how to recognize when life is trying to teach her something.  She stops and intentionally listens when she feels the universe calling her name.  She refuses to move in opposition of the current in which life flows.  As a result, she generally finds herself to be too grand internally to be comfortable within the small confines of a committed relationship, especially if that person is not larger than herself internally.  The majority of her day is spent with people who don’t understand her or the things she does for fun.  They don’t get why she reads the books she reads or finds interest in doing her own research just for the sake of knowing.  She finds herself holding back in conversations with most people because she knows they are not interested in what interests her.  Since this is the case with most people, the last thing she wants is a relationship with someone who is impossible for her to connect with.

Therefore, the only man who can keep a true Superwoman is a true Superman.  Some men may think and even honestly believe they are a Superman, until they become involved with a Superwoman.  Her ability to multitask and never let him slip makes him realize he is not ready for the magnitude of the potential of this relationship.  In order for him to do right by her, he must first be willing to address those issues he has been avoiding dealing with for so long.  He may decide he doesn’t think she is worth the sacrifice of him doing that amount of self-discovery and reflection.  He may not like the vulnerability she makes him feel.  However, if he is a true Superman, he will recognize that this woman is different.  Her soul is like an abyss as she seems to always connect with the deepest parts of who he is, effortlessly.  He can’t deny the connection, and feels somewhat grounded in unconditional love and warmth whenever she is around.  The feeling is indescribable and irreplaceable.  There are many women that try to get a Superman to notice them through their domestic acts.  But a Superwoman’s heart is open and sincere.  From there, acts of appreciation, generosity, and consideration pour out like a never-ending fountain.  She is not trying to impress him with her kindness; she is kind to him because he has impressed her by simply being his magnificent self.  She doesn’t need a Superman to survive.  Rather, she prefers a Superman to have as a partner bigger than herself.  Someone she can learn from, grow into, evolve with, and occasionally lean on, when she is tired of saving the world on her own.

i'm superwoman

Finally……Freedom to write FREELY!!

I have been abused since I was six months old.  I had a psychotic father who was so dangerous I eventually had to change my full name as an adult to protect myself.  My mother was abusive as well, although she calmed down a lot once she got remarried nearly ten years after leaving my father.    I was molested by two cousins; one from each side of the family.  I was also raped three times. Once as a teen and twice as an adult.  I am biracial and my mother’s family is racist.  In addition, I was married for six years to a man who was emotionally abusive to me as well as our children.  Lastly, I have been struggling to establish professional stability despite my multifaceted skills, talents, educational, and experiential background.  I am not listing these things to boast of my hardships, but rather to give you some insight to the rationale behind this blog.

During all of these chaotic experiences, I wrote.  I constantly had a notebook, a scrap sheet of paper, a receipt, napkin or sometimes even a gum wrapper to write away the pain and confusion.  When I got married, I tried to continue writing.  However, shortly after the wedding, my ex-husband targeted that as well as my family to establish the first phase of our abusive relationship- isolation.

There were several times that he would find me writing and make accusations based on his own insecurities or sometimes even read my journal and then start a fight with me about something I wrote.  Once he refused to speak to me for three days because he read a rap about an ex-boyfriend but assumed it was about him.  I tried to explain and he wouldn’t listen to me.  He wouldn’t sleep in the same room either.  And when I tried to explain it in a letter, he yelled at me and said, “I’m not reading no letter!”  After that, there were five years of birthday, father’s day, anniversary, and just because cards that he refused to open because he was mad at the time I gave them to him. Towards the end of our marriage he found the unopened cards while cleaning and started laughing and opening them up to read them for the first time aloud.  I cringed as I remembered the details of each incident that led to him refusing to open the card in the first place.  I wouldn’t have taken the time to carefully select the card if I didn’t want him to read it at the time I gave it to him.  Some of the cards were from early in our marriage and some were from that year.  Not too long after that I found an old journal under the mattress in the guest room.  It was from four years prior.  At that moment, I realized the one thing that gave me intense solace, had been taken from me.  I hadn’t kept a journal since I hid that one there.  I would write on a scrap paper and destroy it or write in my memo app on my phone and delete it.

As a child, I was never permitted to express myself with either of my parents; so writing was a source of positive release for the negativity I was surrounded by.  However, my mother was a snooper.  I would get in trouble for writing my opinions of her or her actions.

When I was in undergrad, my suitemate got mad after snooping in my room and finding my journal entry about her lack of cleanliness.  At that point, I started writing my journal in Spanish until I graduated.

The bottom line is, I have always had to write for the potential reader.  the person I least wanted to find my writing.  After having a few text conversations with one of my friends, he suggested that I create a blog under a pseudonym.  I got so excited at the thought of writing without having to worry about offending anyone.  I got even more excited when I thought about the encouragement I would have to write openly and honestly!

After telling my friend I took his advice, he asked me to  send him the link to my blog.  I couldn’t think of anything to say but, “Maybe…” :/

writing freedom

The TRUTH about love, sex, relationships, education and politics- NOT for the sensitive or fragile.