Category Archives: Freedom

My Truth.

When I get emotional, I don’t talk. I process. I go within and examine my pain. I ask the questions, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “What is this about?”

Three of my students have been placed in foster care. They are siblings and one has been separated and placed in another city.

After learning the details of the situation, it triggered and stirred up many memories from my abusive upbringing. I remembered my interviews with judges and CPS workers. I remembered having to go see Protective Services while they photographed my injuries and bruises. I remembered going to the judge and him granting more visitation time to my father after seeing the proof of what happened to me while I was there. I remembered being threatened by my mother if I were to call CPS on what was happening in the house with her. I remembered daydreaming about being removed from the household. I remembered feeling like I had no choice but to remain silent while the social worker questioned me at school and the therapist grilled me in the evenings once or twice weekly. I remembered my mom telling me not to discuss family business with anyone at the school. I remembered my dad telling me not to tell a soul what was happening in his house. I remembered being caught between both of them and having nowhere to go for help. I remembered being the same age as my students and having to hold all of that emotion and information within my little body and keep my mouth shut.

Thinking about how their guardian could do the things that she allegedly has done, I realized that I have had some thoughts that are extremely brutal in nature. I have had them since I was a kid. I didn’t understand at the time where they were coming from, but this situation has cleared that up for me. I remembered asking my mom to put a steak knife in my throat and spin it around when I was seven. I remembered fantasizing about being told to cut the grass with scissors. Those thoughts were unexplainable and as I got older they did not stop. I learned to push the thoughts away and choose happier ones instead. I learned to make choices and decisions that were the opposite of things my dad would have done. I have become the parent that my parents never were. However, until this crisis arose, I never realized how much mental and emotional healing work I had to do in order to accomplish that feat.

It is still difficult to discuss deep feelings of vulnerability and emotion, even with people that I know love me and I can trust, but writing has always been therapeutic.

Being a teacher is hard for me because I once lived a life that is similar to the lives of the students in my classroom. Although it makes it easier for me to connect with and understand them, it makes it harder for me to support the system that employs me. For me, the gaps are so obvious. I can see clear as day where we are coming up short and why. However, who am I? In the grand scheme of things, I am no one. The decision-makers and stakeholders have no interest in what my views or opinions are. They don’t care if I’m hurting. They don’t care about keeping our kids from hurting. They only care once things have already happened and they are no longer in control. It makes them sad, but they don’t do anything different. The system remains the same…. no matter what. In many ways, I feel that my career is my new abuser. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, and I’m better off if I just put my head down, do what I’m told, and keep my mouth shut.

If you are in my inner circle, please don’t ever take it personal if I stop talking for a little while. It’s just the way I have learned to cope. It is the only way I know to remain safe and keep my sanity.

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Blackness.

Blackness.

It cannot easily be described because it’s a mixture of two worlds. One of oppression and one of regal DNA. While many of our ancestors were kidnapped and forced into providing free labor, many others were indigenous to this land and they have simply been omitted from our history. Our motherland pillaged and raped repeatedly attempting to remove all traces of who we are and what we are capable of. Replacing our leaders and heroes with images of our oppressor. Forcing our mothers, fathers, and grandparents to brainwash us from the time we are born so that we may all live.

However, we can’t really live. We must live a suppressed life. Shaped by lies and deceit. Searching endlessly for the culture, spirituality, and identity stolen from us. We want to build and be a part of something. It’s in our DNA. But what do we want to build and what do we want to be a part of? Those are the answers that we seek so earnestly, but we are distracted by the materialism and capitalism that surrounds us. We also have more fear than we do love for one another.

Who are we? Honestly, we don’t know. Some of us have found the key. Knowing who we are has nothing to do with what we see outside of ourselves. It has everything to do with the information embedded in our DNA that can only come from Within. But our oppressor is a mighty one! The big bad wolf keeps us dangling on his puppet strings. We scramble around lost and confused bumping into each other. Fighting each other. Judging each other. And criticizing those who have found the key. We were taught not to trust each other. So we do not go to each other for guidance. We do not look to each other for support. We do not come together to create our own solutions. Although our ancestors have given us many examples of how it can be done, most of us trust our oppressor more than we trust our own-

Blackness.

Those that have found the key can’t stand to see us suffer. They rise up, they fight back, they take what they know was already ours. They protect our resources while also protecting our future generations. But we don’t always trust them. We were taught not to. We want to go back home. But where is Home exactly? Our DNA says one thing but history says another. And although we all stemmed from the motherland, the motherland does not claim us the way that we claim her. We were ripped and stolen from her womb, and then convinced we were outsiders. Our oppressor is so mighty that while they were convincing us that we are not connected to our motherland, they were also convincing our brothers and sisters that we are not related to them. We are the Phoenix Rising from the ashes of a world that does not want us-

Blackness.

It’s not a movie.
It’s not an outfit.
It’s not a designated month of the year.
It’s not a one-time occasion of raising your fist or taking a knee.

It is a daily responsibility.
It is becoming a village.
It is taking care of our own.
It is nurturing ourselves.
It is a continuous task to seek and know Self.
To search tirelessly for truth and evidence of that truth.
Reading the books that they told us we were unable to read.
Reading the books that they keep hidden from us. Challenging ourselves to read the books that may be beyond our reading level….
And then applying what we have learned.
Letting go of the mental programs that have been instilled in us since the day we entered the world.
Releasing the comfort zone that our oppressor told us was comfortable.
Venturing into unchartered territory, and going on a lifelong adventure to discover Self-

Blackness.

It is power.
It is strength.
It is resilience.
It is creativity.
It is artistic.
It is intellectual.
It is talented.
It is gifted.
It is love and compassion.
It is unity and camaraderie.
It is loyalty.
It is both ancient and contemporary.
Subtle and flashy.
Historical and innovative.
African and American.
It is Magic.
It is Blackness.
It is Us.

Love and Truth.

Confession: 

I’ve never wanted a relationship.  

I was always inspired by hermits.

I used to mail formal invites to my “break-up parties” that were held within a week of ending a relationship.

I used to have major panic attacks at weddings and bridal showers, so I stopped trying to go to them at all.  I knew people wouldn’t understand the anxiety I felt, so  I would just mail gift cards after the fact.

At weddings, when the couple recited the vows, I would see shackles and hear words of ownership being spoken. 

I had a panic attack halfway down the aisle of my own wedding and literally needed both of my parents to walk me.  They were whispering encouraging words, “Keep going.  You’re okay. “


My marriage became abusive within the first two years. 

I regretted forcing myself to do something that was clearly so unnatural for me.

I was excited to get divorced.  I didn’t have a party, but I have celebrated my freedom every day since he left. 

It’s  been four years since my divorce was final.  


I feel Whole.  Complete.  Healed.  Powerful.  Intuitive.  Devine.  Royal.  Precious.  Loveable.  Amazing. And Aligned with Spirit and Truth.


I don’t want to jeopardize any of that by adding another person to the equation who will interfere with the progress I’ve made.  


Some people can be needy.  Clingy.  Manipulative.  And unintentionally controlling.  I’m so in love with my personal growth and ascension journey, I have no interest in compromising that for the sake of a romantic relationship.  Time is an illusion and this may or may not be my last lifetime.  


Either way, I’m  enjoying my journey without a man so much that I don’t want a man if I can’t continue to grow and flourish as I have these past four years.  


I am so much better!  I want more! I am in LOVE with growing!!!  If he can’t pour into my soul, I don’t want him.  


If all he can do is focus on the physical aspects of me and things of this temporary, 3D realm, he’s not for me.  


“He” will be my King, not my student.

“He” will pour into my being, rather than deplete me.

“He” will show me with his actions that I am in great hands. 

“He” will not run from my truth.

“He” will empower me with his consistency and be patient as I allow myself to trust him.  

“He” will encourage me through his energetic vibration.


His higher self will speak to mine and say “Keep going.  You’re okay” …….


And I will believe “Him” and let myself love again. 


I won’t be “His” and “He” won’t be mine, 


We will simply just  “Be” together in love. 💖


Asé

MOVE ON!

How loudly must we cry in order to be heard?

How bad does it have to get before we are understood?

If I have a flashback and cry in class

All you do after everyone laughs

Is tell me: 

MOVE ON!

I wish you would take me to the side

Give me some tissue for my eyes,

Maybe a hug would be good 

If you sincerely felt like you should.

But instead, you just tell me:

MOVE ON!

What am I supposed to do?

Who am I supposed to go to?

I am the voice of those unheard

Those who have had their dreams deferred.

Parents who are stressed

Teachers who are overwhelmed

Children with arms outstretched

Longing to be rescued.

We can’t forget how we 

got here so how can we:

MOVE ON?

From sitting in the desk

To now standing behind it

A single parent of two little ones

No words can describe this

Feeling of fear and despair

Yet hopeful determination.

We are resilient.

We are creative. 

But we need our next generation!

Only in love and unity will we:

MOVE ON!

We don’t have a choice

I wish more would raise their voice

Rather than suffer in silence

Trying to keep their faces fixed

I wish less would talk and more would listen

It would completely change their disposition.

If they could hear our ancestors guide us

They wouldn’t just lead, but they would help us survive this.

Then we could:

MOVE ON!

One thing I’ve learned in life

Is we can’t depend on someone else’s dime

We must rise to our feet

Brush the dust off our sleeves.

Sit still in meditation,

And follow our intuition

We must fill ourselves with love

Overflowing with power from above

Grab the hands of our neighbors 

Lift them up in praises

And together let us all say:

MOVE ON!

Letting go of 3D…. For good!

We are programmed to function and operate in only 3D from birth.  Mostly everything we encounter in our physical, social, economic, educational, and religious experience teaches us and molds us to sustain a 3D existence.  This is due to the needs of the capitalist economy we were born into and the matrix created to fulfill those needs.  As we become enlightened, and eventually awake, we move from 3D to 5D.  We can only make this move by releasing all of those things we were taught and conditioned to believe we “NEED” in 3D. 

 Most of these “needs” are so deeply embedded in our subconscious minds, that we don’t even realize that we are holding on to thoughts and routines that are no longer serving us.  It can be scary to literally disrupt the foundation of our physical existence….on purpose, by letting go of the things we have been taught since our formative years (I need a job to earn money.  I need money to survive.  I need a spouse or children to fulfill my purpose for being created). However, by gradually defining the basis of our own lives, and deciding what WE truly believe, want, and need, we evolve into beings who are less physical and more spiritual in existence.  By straddling the fence, so to speak, we delay our progress in this evolutionary process.  So in short, we hold on because we fear letting go.  We fear having to go through the work of redefining our foundational beliefs.  We fear looking crazy to other people.  We fear…..the unknown.  

Living in 5D, means knowing that you don’t have to know all the answers at any given moment, but understanding that you have all of the answers inside of you all the time and exactly how to access that infinite wisdom at any given moment.  We are taught that life is hard.  We must struggle, work hard, earn our stripes, pay our dues…in order to be successful.  But this couldn’t be further from the truth!  We are supposed to experience the fullness of life as spiritual beings and enjoy the abundance of this physical experience.  We are told that life is short. When death comes, it’s all over…  Lies!  Death is only an illusion.  We come back again and again. In the meantime, we are still alive, in 4D.  The problem is, when we come back again, we are reset. Reprogrammed into this 3D existence with a 3D state of mind to begin the process again- releasing and reconstructing our mental programs in order to return to our truest form of Self.  Our higher self.  Our completely etheric being. So in a nutshell, habit and fear keep us from letting go of 3D.
Like any other habit, you release 3D tendencies by replacing them with more suitable, 5D strategies, one step at a time. 

“Black Consciousness” vs. Consciousness.

One day, I hope that all my “Black Conscious” friends realize that being angry is not really effectively raising the consciousness of this planet.  Yes, it is absolutely necessary that we have a true knowledge of Self.  Yes, we need to be aware of what has been and is still going on behind the history and systems of this physical world.  Yes, we do need to unify, build, and support each other in our socio-economic endeavors.  Yes, we need to rebuild our communities and create our own systems of education, finance, health, and commerce. 
But no, we do not need to expend our precious energy on hating those that have hated us for centuries.

On the contrary, we need to use our energy wisely and transmute the BS that is pushed our way. Instead of allowing our vibration to be manipulated and controlled by the systems we disagree with, we need to maintain our positive, and high vibes.  When we feel overwhelmed with anger, we need to transmute that negative energy into love and compassion for our people, our communities, and our world.  To love our enemies does not necessarily mean to like them.  It means to love the lessons learned, and to appreciate the strength and wisdom which have been passed down from generations of our ancestors through the intricacies of our DNA.  

Some of my most conscious brothers and sisters are so bitter and filled with hate, they don’t even realize how deeply  they are caught up into this web of a matrix and playing right into the hands of the oppressor.

Overstand this:  Wisdom is in our melanin.  Learn how to use it properly.  Nurture. Educate. Empower. But most importantly, LOVE. Everyone. Period.

To be conscious is to be intent on raising not just awareness, but also the vibration of this planet.  Why do you think we knew how to build pyramids in the first place?  I know you didn’t think they were actually just burial tombs. Lol

-Hotep ✌

The Art Of Letting Go.

How do you deal with rejection?

How do you deal with the disappointment of a hopeful romance that ends before it starts?

What about a long-term relationship that ends suddenly?

Or a marriage that dies long before it is legally terminated?

After many let downs over the course of my lifetime, I have developed a coping strategy that has helped me bounce back like a rubber band every time:

1. Detach.  

2. Release.  

3. Reflect. 

4. Learn. 

5. Align. 

6. Ascend.

1. Detach what you want to experience in an ideal relationship from being assigned to any specific person.

2. Release the ideas, desires, and any expectations you had about that particular person or relationship.  They are no longer serving your highest good.

3. Reflect on your experience within the relationship, honestly.  Don’t fluff it up to appear to be something it never was.  

4. Learn the lessons that this experience is trying to teach you about yourself.

5. Align with the Divine source energy of the Most High flowing within you.  

6. Ascend to a new level of overstanding and show appreciation for the opportunity to grow.

No one is perfect.  

We all have flaws.  

Forgive yourself for any mistakes you have made and love yourself in spite of your flaws, even if the other person didn’t.  

You are a beautiful being that was created deliberately and given an intended purpose.  

You are valuable.

You are exquisite.

Just the way you are!

Love yourself, and others will be drawn to you.

Now, simply let go….and walk away.

You cannot receive your blessings when your hands are filled with pain.