Category Archives: Education and Politics

“Dr. Tutt”- On a Mission

Confession: Sometimes people throw shade when they find out I’m in school for my doctorate. When they first find out that I’m back in school again, they look confused and ask me if I’m going for a second master’s or something like that. It’s almost like they think I’m confused about my life and I don’t know what I want to do so I just keep going to school. They’re fine with it when they think that I’m getting a master’s. However, when I tell them that I’m going for my doctorate, the vibe quickly changes. They start telling me how tired they are of school, how they feel getting a doctorate is not worth the trouble, and how they are so done with school and never going back…. as if to imply I am wasting my time.

That’s fine. We each have our own journey. The truth is, they have no idea why I’m doing what I’m doing. They assume that I’m just trying to exert myself into a place of authority. They assume that I just want to be an administrator and in charge of everyone else. Sometimes, they even assume that I think I’m better than them because I’m trying to put letters behind my name. In other words, they think I’m doing too much and they do not have a problem telling me.

The truth is, I have been a teacher in the same ‘hood I grew up in for 14 years now. I have seen our education system fail our students for all of my 14 years working. I have seen them treated like robots and their humanness ignored. When I got my master’s, I did a very thorough research study on the best practices for at-risk students in inner cities across the country. I combined all of those practices together and created a Civic Leadership curriculum. I convinced my job to allow me to pilot my program there. I knew that it would work, but I knew that they would not hear me if I just gave a presentation. I knew that they would have to see it for themselves. Unfortunately, they rarely come and observe anything that’s going on in my room. Therefore, the beauty and magic that is happening with our students is going unnoticed.

After piloting the program for 2 years, the students were ready to lead. They wanted to combine all of the things that they have been learning in our class and take action. Since I care about them and listen to them, I created a student government a few weeks ago. We have six officers per grade level from 5th through 8th grades. We had our first meeting last week and it was outstanding! The popular kids who are notorious for their behavior were elected to be officers. Rather than turn them away, I challenged them to step up.

They are excited, empowered, and they were the most professional I have ever seen them in that meeting. They stood up when they wanted to speak. They learned about Robert’s Rules of Order and I demonstrated them for our first meeting so that the Sergeant at Arms of their grade level would be able to do it next time. They had meeting agendas and took notes. They came up with a constitution and bylaws for student government, as well as a good fundraiser and community service project to get started on. I am so proud of them!

This semester, I had to do a great deal of research on our school specifically and how it measures up to other state statistics. The things I found while doing that research were staggering and quite frankly, upsetting. As usual, I became extremely passionate and somewhat distraught about the discoveries that I made. Knowing that the people in charge will not make time to listen to me or even take what I’m saying seriously, I have to go another route.

The letters behind my name will cause people to stop and pause before they brush me off. When I write a book about my discoveries, they will want to read it if I have letters behind my name. If I ask to do a research-based presentation, they may allow me to, and they may even listen, if I have letters behind my name.

However, without the letters I am just another emotional and dramatic teacher. They will continue to tell me to stay in my lane and focus on testing. My school is just one school out of many across the nation. Our students are a representation of the greater whole. There are kids all over the country that are being ignored for their humanness and treated like robots instead. I advocate for them.

If you were to ask me why I am going to school for my doctorate, the answer is simple: so I can advocate for the students that are being ignored.

Additionally, I am a single parent of two small boys. I don’t know if I will ever get married again, but if I don’t, I want to position myself so that I am in a higher income bracket. I want to be able to take care of them and give them opportunities, experiences, and exposure so they can grow to their fullest potential. I don’t want to work for anyone else. I want to be able to be there for my children and pick them up from school, do homework with them, take them to all of their activities, and expose them to things all around the world that I would never be able to do if I was stuck in a building full time. Being a teacher causes me to focus on other people’s kids more than my own. While I love all children, it is critical that I show my own children they are the most important to me.

I got tired of devoting my weekends to lesson plans and grading papers and not being able to simply play with my sons. I am tired of the pressure to focus on testing and ignore the humanness of my students. I am tired of seeing what is wrong, knowing how to fix it, and being dismissed without any consideration.

Therefore, I made a plan. I am sticking to it. And if all goes well, I will only be working about 6 to 8 days out of the month and I will be able to spend the rest of the time with my own children. I will be able to provide them with incredible opportunities and exposure without stressing about money. They will be able to travel, participate in school activities, as well as other special workshops and classes. I want to show them that we can be whatever we want to be in life and that there is no limit to the success we can attain. We have regular conversations about delayed gratification. I want them to know that Mommy is making a huge sacrifice right now so that we can have a much better life later. I am doing everything in my power to make things better for my own children as well as the students within the American education system.

I don’t just have goals. I have a mission. People don’t have to understand it or support it, but I will not stop until I make a difference. 💖

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My Truth.

When I get emotional, I don’t talk. I process. I go within and examine my pain. I ask the questions, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “What is this about?”

Three of my students have been placed in foster care. They are siblings and one has been separated and placed in another city.

After learning the details of the situation, it triggered and stirred up many memories from my abusive upbringing. I remembered my interviews with judges and CPS workers. I remembered having to go see Protective Services while they photographed my injuries and bruises. I remembered going to the judge and him granting more visitation time to my father after seeing the proof of what happened to me while I was there. I remembered being threatened by my mother if I were to call CPS on what was happening in the house with her. I remembered daydreaming about being removed from the household. I remembered feeling like I had no choice but to remain silent while the social worker questioned me at school and the therapist grilled me in the evenings once or twice weekly. I remembered my mom telling me not to discuss family business with anyone at the school. I remembered my dad telling me not to tell a soul what was happening in his house. I remembered being caught between both of them and having nowhere to go for help. I remembered being the same age as my students and having to hold all of that emotion and information within my little body and keep my mouth shut.

Thinking about how their guardian could do the things that she allegedly has done, I realized that I have had some thoughts that are extremely brutal in nature. I have had them since I was a kid. I didn’t understand at the time where they were coming from, but this situation has cleared that up for me. I remembered asking my mom to put a steak knife in my throat and spin it around when I was seven. I remembered fantasizing about being told to cut the grass with scissors. Those thoughts were unexplainable and as I got older they did not stop. I learned to push the thoughts away and choose happier ones instead. I learned to make choices and decisions that were the opposite of things my dad would have done. I have become the parent that my parents never were. However, until this crisis arose, I never realized how much mental and emotional healing work I had to do in order to accomplish that feat.

It is still difficult to discuss deep feelings of vulnerability and emotion, even with people that I know love me and I can trust, but writing has always been therapeutic.

Being a teacher is hard for me because I once lived a life that is similar to the lives of the students in my classroom. Although it makes it easier for me to connect with and understand them, it makes it harder for me to support the system that employs me. For me, the gaps are so obvious. I can see clear as day where we are coming up short and why. However, who am I? In the grand scheme of things, I am no one. The decision-makers and stakeholders have no interest in what my views or opinions are. They don’t care if I’m hurting. They don’t care about keeping our kids from hurting. They only care once things have already happened and they are no longer in control. It makes them sad, but they don’t do anything different. The system remains the same…. no matter what. In many ways, I feel that my career is my new abuser. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, and I’m better off if I just put my head down, do what I’m told, and keep my mouth shut.

If you are in my inner circle, please don’t ever take it personal if I stop talking for a little while. It’s just the way I have learned to cope. It is the only way I know to remain safe and keep my sanity.

Blackness.

Blackness.

It cannot easily be described because it’s a mixture of two worlds. One of oppression and one of regal DNA. While many of our ancestors were kidnapped and forced into providing free labor, many others were indigenous to this land and they have simply been omitted from our history. Our motherland pillaged and raped repeatedly attempting to remove all traces of who we are and what we are capable of. Replacing our leaders and heroes with images of our oppressor. Forcing our mothers, fathers, and grandparents to brainwash us from the time we are born so that we may all live.

However, we can’t really live. We must live a suppressed life. Shaped by lies and deceit. Searching endlessly for the culture, spirituality, and identity stolen from us. We want to build and be a part of something. It’s in our DNA. But what do we want to build and what do we want to be a part of? Those are the answers that we seek so earnestly, but we are distracted by the materialism and capitalism that surrounds us. We also have more fear than we do love for one another.

Who are we? Honestly, we don’t know. Some of us have found the key. Knowing who we are has nothing to do with what we see outside of ourselves. It has everything to do with the information embedded in our DNA that can only come from Within. But our oppressor is a mighty one! The big bad wolf keeps us dangling on his puppet strings. We scramble around lost and confused bumping into each other. Fighting each other. Judging each other. And criticizing those who have found the key. We were taught not to trust each other. So we do not go to each other for guidance. We do not look to each other for support. We do not come together to create our own solutions. Although our ancestors have given us many examples of how it can be done, most of us trust our oppressor more than we trust our own-

Blackness.

Those that have found the key can’t stand to see us suffer. They rise up, they fight back, they take what they know was already ours. They protect our resources while also protecting our future generations. But we don’t always trust them. We were taught not to. We want to go back home. But where is Home exactly? Our DNA says one thing but history says another. And although we all stemmed from the motherland, the motherland does not claim us the way that we claim her. We were ripped and stolen from her womb, and then convinced we were outsiders. Our oppressor is so mighty that while they were convincing us that we are not connected to our motherland, they were also convincing our brothers and sisters that we are not related to them. We are the Phoenix Rising from the ashes of a world that does not want us-

Blackness.

It’s not a movie.
It’s not an outfit.
It’s not a designated month of the year.
It’s not a one-time occasion of raising your fist or taking a knee.

It is a daily responsibility.
It is becoming a village.
It is taking care of our own.
It is nurturing ourselves.
It is a continuous task to seek and know Self.
To search tirelessly for truth and evidence of that truth.
Reading the books that they told us we were unable to read.
Reading the books that they keep hidden from us. Challenging ourselves to read the books that may be beyond our reading level….
And then applying what we have learned.
Letting go of the mental programs that have been instilled in us since the day we entered the world.
Releasing the comfort zone that our oppressor told us was comfortable.
Venturing into unchartered territory, and going on a lifelong adventure to discover Self-

Blackness.

It is power.
It is strength.
It is resilience.
It is creativity.
It is artistic.
It is intellectual.
It is talented.
It is gifted.
It is love and compassion.
It is unity and camaraderie.
It is loyalty.
It is both ancient and contemporary.
Subtle and flashy.
Historical and innovative.
African and American.
It is Magic.
It is Blackness.
It is Us.

MOVE ON!

How loudly must we cry in order to be heard?

How bad does it have to get before we are understood?

If I have a flashback and cry in class

All you do after everyone laughs

Is tell me: 

MOVE ON!

I wish you would take me to the side

Give me some tissue for my eyes,

Maybe a hug would be good 

If you sincerely felt like you should.

But instead, you just tell me:

MOVE ON!

What am I supposed to do?

Who am I supposed to go to?

I am the voice of those unheard

Those who have had their dreams deferred.

Parents who are stressed

Teachers who are overwhelmed

Children with arms outstretched

Longing to be rescued.

We can’t forget how we 

got here so how can we:

MOVE ON?

From sitting in the desk

To now standing behind it

A single parent of two little ones

No words can describe this

Feeling of fear and despair

Yet hopeful determination.

We are resilient.

We are creative. 

But we need our next generation!

Only in love and unity will we:

MOVE ON!

We don’t have a choice

I wish more would raise their voice

Rather than suffer in silence

Trying to keep their faces fixed

I wish less would talk and more would listen

It would completely change their disposition.

If they could hear our ancestors guide us

They wouldn’t just lead, but they would help us survive this.

Then we could:

MOVE ON!

One thing I’ve learned in life

Is we can’t depend on someone else’s dime

We must rise to our feet

Brush the dust off our sleeves.

Sit still in meditation,

And follow our intuition

We must fill ourselves with love

Overflowing with power from above

Grab the hands of our neighbors 

Lift them up in praises

And together let us all say:

MOVE ON!

Only Love Lives Here!

This work week has been very interesting.  Monday was rough!  VERY rough!  I literally wanted to go to my car and never return! 💯 
As a result, Tuesday was more emotional than usual due to the retrograde of 5 planets last month and the full moon in Scorpio this week. But God always knows what we need at just the right time.  He sent me three students that I love me and they also love me back.  They are awake and hungry for conscious wisdom.  They asked how I was doing and if I was okay when they sensed something bothering me.  Instead of being “strong”, I decided to share so I told them the truth-
How I get so frustrated coming to work and being trapped in a room with people that are consistently disrespecting me.

How mad it makes me that they get little to no discipline from admin and they act up more because they know they can get away with mostly everything. 

How much it hurts that I care about most of my students more than they care about themselves.

How angry I am that I have to fight just to do my job.

How irritating it is to force-feed knowledge to students who act like they are anti-education.

How helpless I feel in this system that is committed to overlooking the real needs of students by forcing me to overtest them and restrict their physical and creative energy.

I told them how painful it is to see the future of every student..Including the poor choices they make and the regrets they will have for not listening to me. 

How irritating it is to have my family and co-workers make lame justifications for all of the bs I go through and tell me to just suck it up and because I’m “strong”.

They understood.

I said I needed to clear out the negative energy in my room and fill it up with positivity and  love.

They said they wanted to help.

I let them.

One covered the window on the door. 

Another opened the window.

I made a crystal grid on the center table of my room.

We sat around it at the table and meditated together for a couple minutes.

I instructed them to pull up beautiful thoughts and see everyone being good and feeling calm, loved, and safe. 

While in that space, I asked them to say,

“Only love lives here”.
I got up and lit a tiny piece of sage and cleansed the room and furniture. 

I shooed the negative energy out of the window.

Then I infused healing energy into each student’s desk.

I sat back down with them and we held love in our hearts together.  I told them to fill the room, then the school with a beautiful healing green light of loving energy.

When we finished, I left the crystals there and told them not to let anyone touch them.  

When my afternoon classes came in, I moved the crystals to my desk and decided to take my students outside for some fun team building activities and connect it to a lesson around being proactive vs. reactive.
Twice this week, a student with severe ADHD took the initiative to ask me if he could meditate in my room to help him be calm and prevent himself from getting in trouble.

I asked if he wanted guided or just music.  He preferred a guided meditation.  I shared my meditation oil with him and sat on my beanbag to join him.

I’m an empath as well, so I could feel him as if his body was mine.  I allowed the feelings of jittery distraction and anxiety run through my body…. Then I breathed.  I inhaled his energy and exhaled all the busyness that is no longer serving him.  I could see his life and the stress he feels.  How he is basically on his own…  

Then, I got downloads!  I made a green smoothie for myself this morning.  I was instructed to share it with him.  “Let him taste it and feel how good it makes him feel”.  I was told to talk to him about his diet and how to manage his energy through God’s food and meditation.

Then, suddenly, I felt him feeling calm and relaxed. 

We opened our eyes and  I obeyed my orders.  I got him a cup and poured some of my smoothie in it. He liked it. I told him how to make it. I told him what foods to avaoid and what to eat more of.  

While walking him back to class, I got another instruction:

 “Make him an obsidian chakra balancing bracelet this weekend.”  
I don’t know how to define what I do.  I’m labeled a “teacher”, but it doesn’t seem like I’m teaching anything academic that will be on these standardized tests.  

However, it feels like what happens in my room is sacred and life changing….when I can get through.

I don’t exactly know where I’m headed, but I do know I’m being led.  Instead of stressing trying to figure it out, all I must do is obey.

For now, it looks like this teacher has some homework for the weekend.  

Letting go of 3D…. For good!

We are programmed to function and operate in only 3D from birth.  Mostly everything we encounter in our physical, social, economic, educational, and religious experience teaches us and molds us to sustain a 3D existence.  This is due to the needs of the capitalist economy we were born into and the matrix created to fulfill those needs.  As we become enlightened, and eventually awake, we move from 3D to 5D.  We can only make this move by releasing all of those things we were taught and conditioned to believe we “NEED” in 3D. 

 Most of these “needs” are so deeply embedded in our subconscious minds, that we don’t even realize that we are holding on to thoughts and routines that are no longer serving us.  It can be scary to literally disrupt the foundation of our physical existence….on purpose, by letting go of the things we have been taught since our formative years (I need a job to earn money.  I need money to survive.  I need a spouse or children to fulfill my purpose for being created). However, by gradually defining the basis of our own lives, and deciding what WE truly believe, want, and need, we evolve into beings who are less physical and more spiritual in existence.  By straddling the fence, so to speak, we delay our progress in this evolutionary process.  So in short, we hold on because we fear letting go.  We fear having to go through the work of redefining our foundational beliefs.  We fear looking crazy to other people.  We fear…..the unknown.  

Living in 5D, means knowing that you don’t have to know all the answers at any given moment, but understanding that you have all of the answers inside of you all the time and exactly how to access that infinite wisdom at any given moment.  We are taught that life is hard.  We must struggle, work hard, earn our stripes, pay our dues…in order to be successful.  But this couldn’t be further from the truth!  We are supposed to experience the fullness of life as spiritual beings and enjoy the abundance of this physical experience.  We are told that life is short. When death comes, it’s all over…  Lies!  Death is only an illusion.  We come back again and again. In the meantime, we are still alive, in 4D.  The problem is, when we come back again, we are reset. Reprogrammed into this 3D existence with a 3D state of mind to begin the process again- releasing and reconstructing our mental programs in order to return to our truest form of Self.  Our higher self.  Our completely etheric being. So in a nutshell, habit and fear keep us from letting go of 3D.
Like any other habit, you release 3D tendencies by replacing them with more suitable, 5D strategies, one step at a time. 

“Black Consciousness” vs. Consciousness.

One day, I hope that all my “Black Conscious” friends realize that being angry is not really effectively raising the consciousness of this planet.  Yes, it is absolutely necessary that we have a true knowledge of Self.  Yes, we need to be aware of what has been and is still going on behind the history and systems of this physical world.  Yes, we do need to unify, build, and support each other in our socio-economic endeavors.  Yes, we need to rebuild our communities and create our own systems of education, finance, health, and commerce. 
But no, we do not need to expend our precious energy on hating those that have hated us for centuries.

On the contrary, we need to use our energy wisely and transmute the BS that is pushed our way. Instead of allowing our vibration to be manipulated and controlled by the systems we disagree with, we need to maintain our positive, and high vibes.  When we feel overwhelmed with anger, we need to transmute that negative energy into love and compassion for our people, our communities, and our world.  To love our enemies does not necessarily mean to like them.  It means to love the lessons learned, and to appreciate the strength and wisdom which have been passed down from generations of our ancestors through the intricacies of our DNA.  

Some of my most conscious brothers and sisters are so bitter and filled with hate, they don’t even realize how deeply  they are caught up into this web of a matrix and playing right into the hands of the oppressor.

Overstand this:  Wisdom is in our melanin.  Learn how to use it properly.  Nurture. Educate. Empower. But most importantly, LOVE. Everyone. Period.

To be conscious is to be intent on raising not just awareness, but also the vibration of this planet.  Why do you think we knew how to build pyramids in the first place?  I know you didn’t think they were actually just burial tombs. Lol

-Hotep ✌