I’ve never understood the fascination with the white picket fence.
Perfect on the outside trapped on the inside,
I guess you never know until you’ve lived it.
As a child of a white picket fence family, parents married for 13 years, father a principal and mother a teacher-
what the world didn’t know was that he used to beat her.
Well respected and admired his co-workers and friends were none the wiser, but eventually she grew tired… and we left.
At the age of 3, it was my idea. “Mommy we can get our own place”, is what I said.
She was only staying for me,
so the next day she packed up to leave.
It was that day that I learned, everything ain’t what it seem.
A white picket fence is much more than a dream.
As I got older, I watched and observed.
I learned so many lessons without ever being hurt.
I saw my friends broken up and confused.
I paid attention to what not to do.
I studied the men and watched them give in.
And just like the women, they were broken hearted.
Someone cheated, got crazy, or lied too many times.
Either way it went, the white picket fence dream was never mine.
I avoided it like the plague, “I’m straight on heartbreak”.
I convinced myself I had issues. I was too afraid for my own good.
I decided to face my fears head on and open up my heart to one. My biggest fear was realized when one day 6 years later I opened my eyes… I was trapped in the same white picket fence I grew up in.
I remember thinking only one thing for about a year straight, how did I get here?
This life was not mine.
I don’t even know how it snuck in.
I played by the book – I took my time in the beginning.
We got to know each other’s family.
We went to church and praised the Lord.
The wedding was amazing, I couldn’t ask for more.
Shortly after, my freedom was lost.
No family time, no more mother-daughter talks.
I was his and only his – never to step away.
My white picket fence slowly became my barricade.
As soon as I woke up and saw the situation I was in, I quickly put him out and simply kept it moving.
I’m not bitter, I’m just wiser. People wear so many disguises. How can I filter through the muck, if I’m not really in touch – with the Creator that dwells inside of me.
My spiritual gifts have become my weapons.
My top-secret, classified possessions.
Showing me what’s coming, before it comes my way.
I love without expectation, for each man has his own will.
I know my worth and what I deserve, and I’m not afraid to admit that to the Universe.
The man who chooses me, must first of all be complete.
We don’t need each other, we just want each other.
Not for security, but for comfort.
He’s loyal because he wants me. He’d never hurt me intentionally, because he wants to keep me.
But above all else, he must let me live free.
No fences in my yard.