For some reason, we have been conditioned to believe that we are supposed to look for our #1: our “other half”, “media naranja”, one-and-only. Meanwhile, those of us that are spiritual are taught to “keep God first”. As a child, we learn that our “parents are most important”. As we become older, we learn that “school and/or work are the most important priorities. If we have children, they trump all. When we mature into adulthood, we learn the urgency of diligent self-care. After all, “if we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t take care of anyone else”. Sometimes, it seems like we are not quite aware that all of these significant entities are competing for the same position in our lives. Everyone and everything is often equally important.
How is it then, that we work so hard on a quest to find our “one true love”, when we are responsible for loving and attending to so many? Doesn’t it seem like common sense to simply remove the pressure? By calling it what it is, we can quickly come to terms with the fact that we will never be anyone’s number one. They will never be our number one either. Each moment in life bends and flexes in order for us to tend to the most important people, circumstances, or obligations as they arise. For example, if we have an important project at work with a tight deadline to boot, we are likely to make arrangements to secure the other details of our life while we complete our professional responsibility. If we are already in the midst of that project when we learn that our parents or children are in a life threatening emergency, we take our laptop to the hospital and do what we have to do.
So many women try so hard to be #1, when it is nearly impossible to reach that status. She does everything in her power to get a man to lock on to her and claim her as his own. She wants to be the first person he thinks about in the morning and the last thought on his mind as he drifts off to sleep. However, the reality is, he has much more going on in his world besides her. If he doesn’t, there may be some other unhealthy issues to emerge, but that is a different blog topic. This contradiction between what has been taught to be achieved and what is realistically attainable, can make for a conflicting vision of what love really looks like.
Most often, when we are looking for a partner, lover, or spouse, we look for someone with similar beliefs to our own. Incidentally, we tend to date people who have a similar set of priorities. Therefore , if we were to call someone we are dating and their voicemail had menu options for what’s most important to them, it may sound something like this:
Thank you for calling ___________________(insert name). We appreciate your loyalty and dedication to his/her emotional wellbeing. Please select from the following menu options to help us better direct you to the appropriate level of concern:
Option #1 is reserved for God.
If you are his/her inner self and you need self-care, press #2
If you are his/her child or other family member, please press #3
If an employer, please press #4
For boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses, please press #5.
For all others, please wait until you are notified of your significance and position before assuming your authority and influence is greater than it actually is. You will be contacted once the determination of your relevance is established.
If this was what a man’s mailbox sounded like when she called, I wonder if she would continue to try so hard to be #1. The truth is, people are only #1, while they are #1. As soon as something more important comes up, that something more important takes first place until it is resolved.
In contrast, if she understands the reality that is the human tendency, she is not offended by being fifth on the list. Instead, she respects the fact that he has numbers 1-4 in place so securely. She also realizes it is unnecessary to bust her tail, just to be in fifth place. She can drop the added pressure and just be herself while she works on her own numbers 1-4; appreciating when her number is called and it is, without a doubt, her turn to be first.