“Dr. Tutt”- On a Mission

Confession: Sometimes people throw shade when they find out I’m in school for my doctorate. When they first find out that I’m back in school again, they look confused and ask me if I’m going for a second master’s or something like that. It’s almost like they think I’m confused about my life and I don’t know what I want to do so I just keep going to school. They’re fine with it when they think that I’m getting a master’s. However, when I tell them that I’m going for my doctorate, the vibe quickly changes. They start telling me how tired they are of school, how they feel getting a doctorate is not worth the trouble, and how they are so done with school and never going back…. as if to imply I am wasting my time.

That’s fine. We each have our own journey. The truth is, they have no idea why I’m doing what I’m doing. They assume that I’m just trying to exert myself into a place of authority. They assume that I just want to be an administrator and in charge of everyone else. Sometimes, they even assume that I think I’m better than them because I’m trying to put letters behind my name. In other words, they think I’m doing too much and they do not have a problem telling me.

The truth is, I have been a teacher in the same ‘hood I grew up in for 14 years now. I have seen our education system fail our students for all of my 14 years working. I have seen them treated like robots and their humanness ignored. When I got my master’s, I did a very thorough research study on the best practices for at-risk students in inner cities across the country. I combined all of those practices together and created a Civic Leadership curriculum. I convinced my job to allow me to pilot my program there. I knew that it would work, but I knew that they would not hear me if I just gave a presentation. I knew that they would have to see it for themselves. Unfortunately, they rarely come and observe anything that’s going on in my room. Therefore, the beauty and magic that is happening with our students is going unnoticed.

After piloting the program for 2 years, the students were ready to lead. They wanted to combine all of the things that they have been learning in our class and take action. Since I care about them and listen to them, I created a student government a few weeks ago. We have six officers per grade level from 5th through 8th grades. We had our first meeting last week and it was outstanding! The popular kids who are notorious for their behavior were elected to be officers. Rather than turn them away, I challenged them to step up.

They are excited, empowered, and they were the most professional I have ever seen them in that meeting. They stood up when they wanted to speak. They learned about Robert’s Rules of Order and I demonstrated them for our first meeting so that the Sergeant at Arms of their grade level would be able to do it next time. They had meeting agendas and took notes. They came up with a constitution and bylaws for student government, as well as a good fundraiser and community service project to get started on. I am so proud of them!

This semester, I had to do a great deal of research on our school specifically and how it measures up to other state statistics. The things I found while doing that research were staggering and quite frankly, upsetting. As usual, I became extremely passionate and somewhat distraught about the discoveries that I made. Knowing that the people in charge will not make time to listen to me or even take what I’m saying seriously, I have to go another route.

The letters behind my name will cause people to stop and pause before they brush me off. When I write a book about my discoveries, they will want to read it if I have letters behind my name. If I ask to do a research-based presentation, they may allow me to, and they may even listen, if I have letters behind my name.

However, without the letters I am just another emotional and dramatic teacher. They will continue to tell me to stay in my lane and focus on testing. My school is just one school out of many across the nation. Our students are a representation of the greater whole. There are kids all over the country that are being ignored for their humanness and treated like robots instead. I advocate for them.

If you were to ask me why I am going to school for my doctorate, the answer is simple: so I can advocate for the students that are being ignored.

Additionally, I am a single parent of two small boys. I don’t know if I will ever get married again, but if I don’t, I want to position myself so that I am in a higher income bracket. I want to be able to take care of them and give them opportunities, experiences, and exposure so they can grow to their fullest potential. I don’t want to work for anyone else. I want to be able to be there for my children and pick them up from school, do homework with them, take them to all of their activities, and expose them to things all around the world that I would never be able to do if I was stuck in a building full time. Being a teacher causes me to focus on other people’s kids more than my own. While I love all children, it is critical that I show my own children they are the most important to me.

I got tired of devoting my weekends to lesson plans and grading papers and not being able to simply play with my sons. I am tired of the pressure to focus on testing and ignore the humanness of my students. I am tired of seeing what is wrong, knowing how to fix it, and being dismissed without any consideration.

Therefore, I made a plan. I am sticking to it. And if all goes well, I will only be working about 6 to 8 days out of the month and I will be able to spend the rest of the time with my own children. I will be able to provide them with incredible opportunities and exposure without stressing about money. They will be able to travel, participate in school activities, as well as other special workshops and classes. I want to show them that we can be whatever we want to be in life and that there is no limit to the success we can attain. We have regular conversations about delayed gratification. I want them to know that Mommy is making a huge sacrifice right now so that we can have a much better life later. I am doing everything in my power to make things better for my own children as well as the students within the American education system.

I don’t just have goals. I have a mission. People don’t have to understand it or support it, but I will not stop until I make a difference. 💖

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Heaven and Hell

I don’t believe that “hell” or “the devil” are outside of ourselves. I believe that these are mental constructs that we have been conditioned to believe in order for those in power to keep the masses suppressed and controlled through guilt and fear.

I believe that “hell” is the act of continuously embracing our negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, while welcoming the circumstances that go along with them as our doomed reality.

I don’t believe that the “devil” is a separate entity trying to hinder our positive progress, but rather the physical evidence of our spiritual misalignment.

When we try to force things that are out of alignment with our divine purpose or the destiny that we should be honoring, life gets hard. If we consistently try to force our ego-filled agenda instead of listening to the God-force within us, we tend to have conflict and contrast frequently. Blaming this on the interference of an external entity prevents our spiritual growth. The only way to grow is to take accountability for our thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, and energetic vibration.

Speaking of the “devil” as if there is some evil monster that we are constantly battling and is trying to sabotage every productive move we make, is counterintuitive. The idea of a big, bad, ugly, and scary entity with supernatural power creates subconscious fear and a victim mentality, thereby diminishing our ability to create, love, and heal. No one is interfering with our progress except for us.

When we make moves out of ego and self-motivated impulsivity, we bump into contrast. When we name that contrast after an external opponent called “the devil”, we ignore our own responsibility and contribution to our circumstances. When we live in a state of perpetual fear and powerlessness, and focus solely on things that feed our low vibration, we are living in hell. However, if we listen for divine guidance before we make moves and show appreciation for things that raise our vibration… We experience Heaven on Earth.

The Power of Stillness.

We all have infinite wisdom and spiritual abilities. It just depends on how open and obedient we are. If you feel led from Spirit to do something strange and you do it, you are being obedient and eventually you will get rewarded by being “leveled up”.

When you aren’t concerned with spiritual gifts and are simply focusing on growing closer to the Divine, the intimacy of that relationship swells up and expands within you. It pours out onto every living being around you in the form of unconditional love, effortlessly.

You begin to think, feel, speak, and live differently. You become energetically and spiritually attuned. Anything out of alignment with your Higher-Self becomes excruciating. Your physical outer world begins to reflect your supernatural inner world, but only if you can remain focused Within.

When you begin to listen diligently, and you are faithful and obedient to the guidance of your ancestors, your spiritual gifts will be revealed to you. It’s about maintaining your energetic balance and alignment, listening to that still, small voice within, and being willing, and obedient, consistently.

You can only hear guidance by going Within. Often times, people just want to know their spiritual gifts and flow in them, without doing any of the inner work that it takes to access and excavate them. It takes discipline and application. Diligence and consistency. Reflection, healing, and growth. But most of all, it takes a deep yearning to be closer to the Godforce within. A desperation for stillness, a hunger for wisdom, an unquenchable thirst for Truth.

Some prefer to overload themselves with external information without actually doing anything to incorporate what they have learned into their lifestyles- then they wonder why they are blocked and can’t do X,Y, and Z.

Everyone is intricately connected to the same Divine wisdom that created the Universe. For we are all created with this wisdom and therefore, the Creator is embedded within the fabric of our DNA. It’s not about whether you have “it” or not, but instead, it’s about whether you have the discipline to humble yourself and still your mind long enough to listen to the guidance of Spirit. It’s about having the fortitude to obey the voices of your ancestors, regardless of how far it stretches you beyond your comfort zone….especially when it challenges everything you have been conditioned to believe from the time you were born.

You can only spread Love and Light, if you are willing to BECOME Love and Light. To become, means we have to release, evolve, and eventually transform. When we truly BECOME, this is an effortless task.

Until we release ego, shed our mental programs, listen and obey,

we are standing in the way of our own ascension.

Asé

My Truth.

When I get emotional, I don’t talk. I process. I go within and examine my pain. I ask the questions, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “What is this about?”

Three of my students have been placed in foster care. They are siblings and one has been separated and placed in another city.

After learning the details of the situation, it triggered and stirred up many memories from my abusive upbringing. I remembered my interviews with judges and CPS workers. I remembered having to go see Protective Services while they photographed my injuries and bruises. I remembered going to the judge and him granting more visitation time to my father after seeing the proof of what happened to me while I was there. I remembered being threatened by my mother if I were to call CPS on what was happening in the house with her. I remembered daydreaming about being removed from the household. I remembered feeling like I had no choice but to remain silent while the social worker questioned me at school and the therapist grilled me in the evenings once or twice weekly. I remembered my mom telling me not to discuss family business with anyone at the school. I remembered my dad telling me not to tell a soul what was happening in his house. I remembered being caught between both of them and having nowhere to go for help. I remembered being the same age as my students and having to hold all of that emotion and information within my little body and keep my mouth shut.

Thinking about how their guardian could do the things that she allegedly has done, I realized that I have had some thoughts that are extremely brutal in nature. I have had them since I was a kid. I didn’t understand at the time where they were coming from, but this situation has cleared that up for me. I remembered asking my mom to put a steak knife in my throat and spin it around when I was seven. I remembered fantasizing about being told to cut the grass with scissors. Those thoughts were unexplainable and as I got older they did not stop. I learned to push the thoughts away and choose happier ones instead. I learned to make choices and decisions that were the opposite of things my dad would have done. I have become the parent that my parents never were. However, until this crisis arose, I never realized how much mental and emotional healing work I had to do in order to accomplish that feat.

It is still difficult to discuss deep feelings of vulnerability and emotion, even with people that I know love me and I can trust, but writing has always been therapeutic.

Being a teacher is hard for me because I once lived a life that is similar to the lives of the students in my classroom. Although it makes it easier for me to connect with and understand them, it makes it harder for me to support the system that employs me. For me, the gaps are so obvious. I can see clear as day where we are coming up short and why. However, who am I? In the grand scheme of things, I am no one. The decision-makers and stakeholders have no interest in what my views or opinions are. They don’t care if I’m hurting. They don’t care about keeping our kids from hurting. They only care once things have already happened and they are no longer in control. It makes them sad, but they don’t do anything different. The system remains the same…. no matter what. In many ways, I feel that my career is my new abuser. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, and I’m better off if I just put my head down, do what I’m told, and keep my mouth shut.

If you are in my inner circle, please don’t ever take it personal if I stop talking for a little while. It’s just the way I have learned to cope. It is the only way I know to remain safe and keep my sanity.

Blackness.

Blackness.

It cannot easily be described because it’s a mixture of two worlds. One of oppression and one of regal DNA. While many of our ancestors were kidnapped and forced into providing free labor, many others were indigenous to this land and they have simply been omitted from our history. Our motherland pillaged and raped repeatedly attempting to remove all traces of who we are and what we are capable of. Replacing our leaders and heroes with images of our oppressor. Forcing our mothers, fathers, and grandparents to brainwash us from the time we are born so that we may all live.

However, we can’t really live. We must live a suppressed life. Shaped by lies and deceit. Searching endlessly for the culture, spirituality, and identity stolen from us. We want to build and be a part of something. It’s in our DNA. But what do we want to build and what do we want to be a part of? Those are the answers that we seek so earnestly, but we are distracted by the materialism and capitalism that surrounds us. We also have more fear than we do love for one another.

Who are we? Honestly, we don’t know. Some of us have found the key. Knowing who we are has nothing to do with what we see outside of ourselves. It has everything to do with the information embedded in our DNA that can only come from Within. But our oppressor is a mighty one! The big bad wolf keeps us dangling on his puppet strings. We scramble around lost and confused bumping into each other. Fighting each other. Judging each other. And criticizing those who have found the key. We were taught not to trust each other. So we do not go to each other for guidance. We do not look to each other for support. We do not come together to create our own solutions. Although our ancestors have given us many examples of how it can be done, most of us trust our oppressor more than we trust our own-

Blackness.

Those that have found the key can’t stand to see us suffer. They rise up, they fight back, they take what they know was already ours. They protect our resources while also protecting our future generations. But we don’t always trust them. We were taught not to. We want to go back home. But where is Home exactly? Our DNA says one thing but history says another. And although we all stemmed from the motherland, the motherland does not claim us the way that we claim her. We were ripped and stolen from her womb, and then convinced we were outsiders. Our oppressor is so mighty that while they were convincing us that we are not connected to our motherland, they were also convincing our brothers and sisters that we are not related to them. We are the Phoenix Rising from the ashes of a world that does not want us-

Blackness.

It’s not a movie.
It’s not an outfit.
It’s not a designated month of the year.
It’s not a one-time occasion of raising your fist or taking a knee.

It is a daily responsibility.
It is becoming a village.
It is taking care of our own.
It is nurturing ourselves.
It is a continuous task to seek and know Self.
To search tirelessly for truth and evidence of that truth.
Reading the books that they told us we were unable to read.
Reading the books that they keep hidden from us. Challenging ourselves to read the books that may be beyond our reading level….
And then applying what we have learned.
Letting go of the mental programs that have been instilled in us since the day we entered the world.
Releasing the comfort zone that our oppressor told us was comfortable.
Venturing into unchartered territory, and going on a lifelong adventure to discover Self-

Blackness.

It is power.
It is strength.
It is resilience.
It is creativity.
It is artistic.
It is intellectual.
It is talented.
It is gifted.
It is love and compassion.
It is unity and camaraderie.
It is loyalty.
It is both ancient and contemporary.
Subtle and flashy.
Historical and innovative.
African and American.
It is Magic.
It is Blackness.
It is Us.

Love and Truth.

Confession: 

I’ve never wanted a relationship.  

I was always inspired by hermits.

I used to mail formal invites to my “break-up parties” that were held within a week of ending a relationship.

I used to have major panic attacks at weddings and bridal showers, so I stopped trying to go to them at all.  I knew people wouldn’t understand the anxiety I felt, so  I would just mail gift cards after the fact.

At weddings, when the couple recited the vows, I would see shackles and hear words of ownership being spoken. 

I had a panic attack halfway down the aisle of my own wedding and literally needed both of my parents to walk me.  They were whispering encouraging words, “Keep going.  You’re okay. “


My marriage became abusive within the first two years. 

I regretted forcing myself to do something that was clearly so unnatural for me.

I was excited to get divorced.  I didn’t have a party, but I have celebrated my freedom every day since he left. 

It’s  been four years since my divorce was final.  


I feel Whole.  Complete.  Healed.  Powerful.  Intuitive.  Devine.  Royal.  Precious.  Loveable.  Amazing. And Aligned with Spirit and Truth.


I don’t want to jeopardize any of that by adding another person to the equation who will interfere with the progress I’ve made.  


Some people can be needy.  Clingy.  Manipulative.  And unintentionally controlling.  I’m so in love with my personal growth and ascension journey, I have no interest in compromising that for the sake of a romantic relationship.  Time is an illusion and this may or may not be my last lifetime.  


Either way, I’m  enjoying my journey without a man so much that I don’t want a man if I can’t continue to grow and flourish as I have these past four years.  


I am so much better!  I want more! I am in LOVE with growing!!!  If he can’t pour into my soul, I don’t want him.  


If all he can do is focus on the physical aspects of me and things of this temporary, 3D realm, he’s not for me.  


“He” will be my King, not my student.

“He” will pour into my being, rather than deplete me.

“He” will show me with his actions that I am in great hands. 

“He” will not run from my truth.

“He” will empower me with his consistency and be patient as I allow myself to trust him.  

“He” will encourage me through his energetic vibration.


His higher self will speak to mine and say “Keep going.  You’re okay” …….


And I will believe “Him” and let myself love again. 


I won’t be “His” and “He” won’t be mine, 


We will simply just  “Be” together in love. 💖


Asé

Man meets Queen.

If you see that I’m a Queen, don’t approach me like a f*** boy.

Since you claim to be a King, then stop playing with toys.

Don’t address me as a goddess then call me b**** beneath your breath.

Trying to strip me of my confidence until there’s nothing left.

I speak life into you King, although you have yet to prove your status 

Been the realest Queen from jump,  Let me put you up on my magic

I pull the stress out your body through the soles of your feet

Hold it in my hands, close my eyes, and breathe

Lift it up unto the heavens, then I flip it around. 

Heal and transmute, then poor it back into your Crown 

Cleansing your aura, clearing out your blocks 

Got you walking ’round like a living, breathing Ankh.

Now you’re feeling like that king named Midas 

Everything you touch turns gold and you don’t know why. It’s 

Because you got a dope a** Queen on your arm 

A true goddess of light, let me put you on….

 

 

The TRUTH about love, sex, relationships, education and politics- NOT for the sensitive or fragile.